Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Desperately Seeking A Man With STINK BREATH

best of craigslist > philadelphia >
Desperately Seeking a Man with STINK BREATH - w4m

When i first laid eyes on you i couldn't look away.

You have hazel brown eyes, curly hair, a 5 o'clock shadow, muscular build and brown skin. Kind of like a young Boris Kodjoe, although he is aging very well if you were his actual age i wouldn't mind.

You were ordering a burrito bowl at Chipotle, I remember you ordered the barbacoa with brown rice (good choice!).

We exchanged glances while waiting in line and i think you even winked at me. We both were headed to the soda fountain and that's when it hit me.

You said "How are you beautiful?" but all i could think about was the smell of your stanky breath!

It smelled like someone jizzed into a Frito bag and threw it in a bum.

It smelled like someone farted a cheeseburger into a litter box.

It smelled like someone lit a homeless person on fire and then smoked a turd cigarette.

It smelled like someone did the Harlem Shake after an extensive cardio workout in a porta potty.

It smelled like someone threw up in your mouth like some 2-girls-1-cup shit and then cooked some bacon.

After you said that I'm sorry but i just walked away. I wish in the moment i could have looked past your awful breath and just stuck it out.

I had some gum.

TV Show I'll Be Watching Of The Day

It better be good, dammit.



8 Things A Woman Doesn't Want To Be Wearing When She Unexpectedly Gets Laid

From The Frisky:

"It’s Murphy’s Law of unexpected sex: If you are wearing the most unfortunate/unflattering/complicated article of clothing, you will be getting laid. If you get all dolled up in your favorite “f**k me” outfit, it’s almost a guarantee that no man will so much as glance at you. But put on your pajamas to go get toilet bowl cleaner at the drug store, and the hottest man you’ve ever seen will invite you over to his place.

Here are the worst things you can be wearing when the penis of your dreams arises …"

JUMPSUIT

The thing about jumpsuits are that they are really cute on, but extremely difficult to get off. That, and you have to get completely naked just to take a piss. They are basically the adult equivalent of wearing a onesie.

SHOES WITHOUT SOCKS

They might look cute with your outfit, but let’s be honest, your feet smell in there. Especially if you’ve been wearing them all day. Is your object of desire really ready for your foot odor?

RIPPED OR PERIOD-STAINED PANTIES

There are two kinds of underwear in every woman’s drawer: the sexy ones and the ones you should throw away but you don’t because you can wear them when you have your period or run out of clean, sexy undies. You will be wearing the latter when he pulls off your pajama bottoms.

DRESS THAT WRINKLES WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT

Those $22 dresses from Forever 21 are super cute and affordable! And you can hardly tell they are 100 percent rayon until a guy rips the dress off and throws it on the bedroom floor.
SPORTS BRA

Maybe you just came from the gym and he has the added bonus of getting to know what you smell like after you work out. We don’t have to tell you that sports bras do nothing good for your tits.

SPANX

Taking off Spanx before sex is like peeling a sausage out of its casing. Arduous. Spanx are like a modern-day chastity belt; they must be removed to get the bits.

BODY SUIT

There was a reason these went out of style a long time ago. Why on earth are they back? Having to unsnap fabric to free up your vaginal reason is a crime.

THAT WHITE TEE WITH ARMPIT STAINS

Any white tee that you’ve had for more than two years has yellow pit stains. This is the shirt you’ll be wearing when Don Juan approaches you in the cleaning aisle. I hope you’re wearing deodorant at the very least.


Read the full article at The Frisky.

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails