Thursday, July 31, 2014

Dangerous Things You Should Never Try To Outrun (Of The Day)

Not included on this list (i.e. go ahead and outrun these things): zombies, angry children, midgets, Sleestaks, the one-legged, old people, fat people, blind people or dogs, snails.

They forgot trains, too. Don't try to outrun a train. You will die.

From How Stuff Works.

Black Bear
Running away is a bad plan if you find yourself toe-to-toe with a grizzly, black or any other type of bear. While bears rarely attack, they are wild animals and therefore unpredictable. They can also run as fast as 30 miles (48 kilometers) an hour. The good news is that they usually just want to be left alone. Encounter one and your best bet is to back away slowly while facing the animal and avoiding direct eye contact.

Most crazy storm chasers that you see on TV know well enough not to try to outrun a twister. They just try to stay far enough away from a tornado to avoid its wrath. For the rest of us amateurs, the best thing to do is shelter in place. Evacuation routes can get easily clogged with cars, especially in small towns and rural areas with fewer get-away routes. That leaves people trying to flee from a tornado in the more vulnerable position of being trapped in their cars when a big one barrels through the area.

The Fuzz
When you fight the law, the law usually wins. Not only is running from the cops a bad idea, but it's also likely to get you in more trouble than you would be if you simply stuck around. In some jurisdictions, running could result in a resisting arrest or obstructing justice charge. The better course of action is to ask if you're being detained and simply walk away if the answer is "no."

The inclination to run -- or drive -- away from rising flood waters is understandable, but it's also dangerous. As little as 6 inches (15 centimeters) of rising water can be enough to sweep a person off of his or her feet, while just 18 inches (46 centimeters) of rising water can carry a vehicle away. Downed power lines from a hurricane or tsunami can still be live, leaving you one false move from being lit up like a firecracker on the Fourth of July.

Whether it's at a school, in a workplace or at a movie theater, an active gunman poses not only a serious threat, but also one that's largely unpredictable. Just like a roving bear or aggressive dog, a gunman's attention is likely to be drawn to moving objects. It's also impossible to outrun a bullet. The FBI tells folks that the best response to an active shooter situation is "Run, Hide, Fight."

Wolves like to travel in packs in search of prey. If you happen upon them--or them upon you--running for your dear life is likely to make you look like potential prey. Fortunately, the chance of encountering wild wolves is pretty slim, and even if you do they won't usually pounce. Wolves are coursing predators that prefer to take their prey on the run and are unlikely to attack otherwise. However, it's best to take the experts at their word and avoid testing these animals. That means moving away slowly without making direct eye contact.

Crocodile Dundee had a preternatural ability to lull crocs to sleep by making a strange inverted "surf's up!" hand gesture and weird noises. You are not Crocodile Dundee. If you come across a croc on a golf course or in your backyard, you are likely to run. That's a bad idea. It's only likely to aggravate the beast. Not to mention, a crocodile can run as fast as a human. The best course of action is to back away slowly and try not to attract any attention. If that doesn't work, go for the eyes.

(read more)

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Airline Passengers Explained By Their Pants (Of The Day)

From Wendi Aarons at McSweeney's.

Airplane Passengers as Explained By Their Pants

Wool Suit Pants: Will board before you.

Wool Hunting Pants: Will board after you.

Pleated Dockers: Will loudly talk on cell phone about ROIs and vertical markets.

Pajama Bottoms: Will be flying either to or from a city with a Señor Frog’s.

Sweatpants with Dallas Mavericks Logo: Will clog one or more bathrooms.

Stained Yoga Pants: Will be carrying a screaming child.

Stained Gymboree Pants: Will be a screaming child.

Leather Pants: Did not pay for own flight.

Pants with Underwear Sticking Out: Did not pay for own flight.

Jeans with Rhinestones: Will get wasted on tequila and Sprite and graze flight attendant’s boob.

Tight Black Stretch Pants: Will be a pharmaceutical sales rep named Morgan.

Hemp Pants: Will be flying either to or from a city with a yurt resort.

Golf Pants: Will “accidentally” click on a porn link on his laptop.

Camouflage Cargos: Carry-on is a styrofoam cooler sealed with duct tape.

Blue Capris: European on business.

Red Capris: European on holiday.

Plaid Capris: European on way to rehab.

Pink Sweatpants: Will laugh her ass off at the Adam Sandler in-flight movie.

Beige Slacks: Will nervously clutch book about how liberals are destroying America.

Linen Trousers: Will swallow a Xanax and mangle your hand during take-off.

Wide-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a cat.

Thin-waled Corduroys: Traveling with a guitar.

Patched Corduroys: Traveling with a cat named Guitar.

Orange Jumpsuit: Did not pay for own flight.

Skinny Jeans: Will develop deep vein thrombosis.

Swim Trunks: Will be escorted off plane by federal air marshal for doing something gross to the beverage cart.

Creased Jeans: Federal air marshal.

(More here)

Monday, July 28, 2014

News: Woman Stabs Roommate For Refusing To Stop Listening To The Eagles

Vernett don't play! Link from Hannah Nesbada.
Woman Stabs Roommate For Refusing To Stop Listening To The Eagles

Police in South Carolina arrested a North Charleston woman Monday night after she allegedly stabbed her roommate multiple times for refusing to stop playing music by the classic rock band The Eagles.

According to the official report, Vernett Bader, 54, became irritated with her 64-year-old roommate (and one-time boyfriend) after he rejected her pleas to turn off the Eagles and told her to "shut up."

Bader then entered the kitchen and grabbed a serrated knife, which she subsequently used to stab her roommate several times in the arm, hand, and elbow.

The roommate and his brother managed to wrestle the knife away from Bader, but she quickly retrieved another from the kitchen.

All three were intoxicated at the time, per the report.


Drawn Selfie Spoofs Of The Day

From French Girls, an "award-winning app where strangers anonymously draw portraits based on selfies others have posted." Link from Amy Carey.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Vid Of The Day: Sisters

Oddly amusing.

Monologue Of The Day: I’m the Guy Who Ties the Scarves Onto Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand

From McSweeney's Internet Tendency.
I’m the Guy Who Ties the Scarves Onto Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand

By Lukas Drake

When people ask me what band I “tie” for I always jokingly say Slipknot but I’ve been Aerosmith’s official scarfsmith for longer than I can remember. Actually don’t remember much. A lot of decades of partying with the band’ll do that but it’s funny that something as stupid as wanting to add pizzazz to my heroin tie-offs could turn into a job.

Point is, no matter how long I been doing this or how I got into it people just think I grab any old thrift-shop rag and casually fold up a doubly slipped reef knot onto Steve’s mic stand, hand it to him, and I’m done. You think I got these twisted up tree branch fingers from years of rubbing down groupies backstage with all the free time on my hands? I don’t have free time on my hands; I’ve got callouses.

Out of all the stage crew I’m the first one up and the last one to go to bed. The amount of ironing alone’d drive most people to quit. It’s a ton of work and a huge responsibility.


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Fun Words To Work Into Your Everyday Conversations

From Mental Floss.

(German) Excess weight gained from emotional overeating. Literally, grief bacon.

A person unable to drink liquor straight, or one who grimaces after drinking.

The clean, pleasant smell that accompanies rain falling on dry ground. It’s from the Greek petra (stone) and ichor (the blood of Greek gods and goddesses). The term was coined by two Australian researchers in 1964.

The quantity of beauty required to launch just one ship.

Having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning.

(Japanese) Death from being overworked.

Lawn Mullet
A neatly manicured front yard and an unmowed mess in the back.

Koi No Yokan
(Japanese) The sense upon first meeting a person that the two of you will fall in love.

The Wheaton
The delightfully geeky Wil Wheaton was one of the first celebs to attract a massive number of followers. When half a million people subscribed to his Tweets, that number was dubbed a Wheaton by John Kovalic. Today, Wil Wheaton actually has about 3.8 Wheatons.

Old fashioned.

(Japanese) The experience of seeing a woman who appears pretty from behind but not from the front.

(Georgian) The day after tomorrow. Why don’t we have a word for the day after tomorrow?

Punk Day
A day when children are admitted to a carnival or circus free.

Playful, joking banter.

An ancient Celtic musical instrument. Comes in handy when you’ve got no vowels in Words With Friends.

a. A peculiar person; an eccentric; one who thinks in a round-about manner.
b. A player of the French horn.
c. A wrestler.
d. A heavy drinker; one who frequents bars.

The space between the eyebrows.

Who knows? But it’s the longest vowel-free word you can play in Words With Friends (however, its play in WWF is only possible should you elect to use a blank tile as the second ‘K,’ since there is only one ‘K’ tile per game).

A hobo not wise to the ways of hobo life; a hobo who is considered unacceptable by his fellows.

Product Of The Day: Han Solo Carbonite Toilet Seat

You'll never shit alone.
From Nerd Approved:

Han may not like the idea of being frozen in carbonite and used as a toilet seat cover in your bathroom, but he’s frozen in carbonite, so it’s not like he can say much.

This toilet seat is made by a company called Derby Covers and, apparently, all of their toilet seats are custom painted and airbrushed. That’s got to look interesting on a resume!

They cover all sorts of different fandoms, so I’m guessing that if Han’s tortured face isn’t your thing, you’ll find something you like.

Product Page ($59.99)

Monday, July 21, 2014

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: I Need A Sword

best of craigslist > great falls >

Originally Posted: 2014-06-22

I need a sword

I need a sword. Something large, of fine craftsmanship and sturdy. Must be able to cleave a moose in half with one to two blows.

This is extremely important. I need to arm for my time machine and i cant bring a gun to where im going, i dont want to give myself away as a time traveler and i have to fit in.

I would prefer something from the renaissance period, as i am trying to save King Louis XIII from bring executed. If all goes as planned, the present will change and i hope you all enjoy not having france a part of this planet anymore.

Youre welcome in advance.

This is completely serious and is not a joke.

16 Things You Might Not Know About The Princess Bride

Inconceivable! From a longer list on Buzzfeed.

Director Rob Reiner auditioned over 500 women for the role of Buttercup, including Courtney Cox, Meg Ryan, Uma Thurman, and Whoopie Goldberg.

The Princess Bride was almost made into a movie in the ’70s, and a then-unknown Arnold Schwarzenegger was seriously considered to play Fezzik.

Reiner’s first choice to play Vizzini was Danny DeVito, but the role ultimately went to Wallace Shawn.

Neither Cary Elwes or Mandy Patinkin had any sword-fighting experience before filming. Both trained rigorously, and every frame of Inigo and Westley’s sword fight on The Cliffs of Insanity is actually the two actors.

Rob Reiner offered Mandy Patinkin any role he wanted in The Princess Bride.

Patinkin chose Inigo partly because his own father died a few years before filming, and for motivation he would tell himself that if he caught the six-fingered man, his own father would come back.

Mandy Patinkin’s favorite line in the movie is when Inigo says, “I have been in the revenge business so long, now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.”

The first scene Robin Wright filmed was her dress catching fire in the Fire Swamp. The fire is real, but the skirt was made of flame-retardant cloth. William Goldman, who wrote the book and the screenplay for The Princess Bride, was on set at the time and screamed, “Her dress is on fire!” ruining the shot.

Billy Crystal wanted Miracle Max to look like a cross between his own grandmother and former Yankees manager Casey Stengel.

Crystal filmed the role of Miracle Max over three days for 10 hours a day, and never made the same joke twice.

Rob Reiner would laugh so much at Crystal’s lines he would have to leave the room during filming.

Goldman decided Rob Reiner was the right man to direct The Princess Bride only after he saw This Is Spinal Tap.

Reiner once ran into mob boss John Gotti and six of his men outside a New York restaurant. One of them looked at him and said, “You killed my father, prepare to die!” then burst out laughing.

A body double was used for the scene when Westley jumps on Fezzik’s back because André the Giant had severe back issues.

During fight rehearsal for Inigo’s big showdown with Count Rugen, Mandy Patinkin accidentally stabbed Christopher Guest in the thigh.

The final scene of the movie was originally going to be The Grandson looking out his window and seeing the four heroes, sitting on white horses, waving from below. Reiner decided against it and reshot the final scene.

(More here)


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