Tuesday, March 29, 2011

LOTD Classic: Song I Hate (Of The Day)

Classic as in old/a rerun, but posts were a bit skimpy today so maybe some of the noobs will enjoy this one.

I just got back from a Sam's Club run. I didn't tell my wife I was going because it makes her nervous. I'm an impulsive shopper, so on past trips I've come home with 1000 food service gloves, 30 cans of green beans and a giant tub of 250 pretzel sticks (that was April and my kid got tired of them after 146).

I also once bought several DVDs which, as it turned out, we already owned, so if anybody wants a copy of Syriana or Driving Miss Daisy II: Ass, Gas or Grass let me know.

The food service gloves were for my hands. I had a rash for a while, so my dermatologist gave me some cream to use at night and told me to wear gloves over my hands while I slept. Rubber gloves are too hot, so I saw the plastic ones at Sam's and though, yeah, that dog'll hunt.

They only came in a two-pack of 500 gloves per box, a little more than I need, but whatever. I wore them for about four nights until my wife made me stop because every time I moved in the bed -- which is a lot -- the sound of rustling plastic woke her up.

Besides, she said, I was never gonna get laid wearing those things and looking like a Subway "sandwich artist" or the sad albino bread guy at Picadilly Cafeteria.

So now we have 492* plastic food service gloves; I gave one box of 500 to my friend Danna, a "be prepared" kinda gal like me, and she was excited. I'm still glad to have my 492, because if I ever end up changing diapers again
-- god forbid -- I'm gonna use them. (Update: I no longer have to worry about this.)

But I digress. Sam's pissed me off because like so many places I shop, they play the worst music over their loudspeakers and you're stuck listening to it while you shop. Then one of those shit songs gets stuck in your head, and you walk around all the rest of the day haunted by dreck like "Suddenly" by Billy Ocean (thanks, CVS), "Key Largo" by Bertie Higgins (Publix), or, thanks to Sam's today, "Mr. Bojangles" by the Nitty Gritty (Shitty) Dirt Band.

Can I tell you how much I absolutely hate the song, "Mr. Bojangles"? HATE. IT. Always have. Even as a kid I thought it was so GD lame, this ridiculous song about some rotten old scabies-infested bum who dances for nickels to support his gin habit. Who fucking cares?

And then there's the lame-ass lyrics. "He let go a laugh"? WTF? He was squeezing it in like a fart and it slipped out? You let go a fart, not a laugh. Actually, though, since Mr. Bojangles' breath undoubtedly smells like ripe ass, his laughs are like farts, making the connotation appropriate, if not brilliant.

Whatever. The song blows, and I'm rewriting the lyrics. If I have to have it stuck in my head all day long, I'm gonna make lyrics that I like.

The real lyrics (abridged version):

I knew a man Bojangles and he'd dance for you
In worn out shoes

With silver hair, a ragged shirt, and baggy pants

The old soft shoe

He jumped so high, jumped so high

Then he lightly touched down

He said his name "Bojangles" and he danced a lick

Across the cell

He grabbed his pants and spread his stance,

Oh he jumped so high and then he clicked his heels

He let go a laugh, let go a laugh
And shook back his clothes all around

Mr. Bojangles...

Mr. Bojangles...

Mr. Bojangles...


My version:

I knew a song "Bojangles" and it sucked my nuts...
For forty years

A lame-ass tune in three-quarter time 'bout some homeless dude
Who gives a fuck?!

He let go some gas, let go some gas

And then he shit his pants

Mr. Bojangles...

Mr. Bojangles...

Mr. Bojangles...


See? Now I don't mind so much when I hear it.

*492 on 6/25/09. 484 on 3/29/11. Another 18 years and we'll need more.

Upstanding Citizen Of The Day: BK Brawler

Hilarity from The Smoking Gun. It helps if you are familiar with the story and video.

BK Brawler Admits Battering Worker, Lying To Police

Says Cops Will “Have To Come And Get Me.”

While admitting to battering one Burger King employee and giving police a phony name, the Alabama woman whose videotaped spring break outburst has become a YouTube hit said today that she believes prosecutors have overcharged her in reaction to news coverage of the incident.

Claiming that Florida law enforcement officials “want all the publicity,” Nekiva Hardy, 30, said she has been hit with a felony and three additional misdemeanors because investigators think “this girl is making a joke of it. She has so many views on YouTube.”

“Florida is a jacked up state,” observed Hardy, who was originally charged with a single misdemeanor battery count for the March 19 melee at the oceanfront eatery in Panama City Beach.

“I ain’t blaming nobody but myself,” said Hardy. “I pulled that girl’s hair, that’s a simple battery. I’m guilty of that.” But, referring to several Burger King employees, she added, “Them bitches ticked me off.”

Hardy also admitted telling police she was “Kimesa Smith,” the name of a friend in her hometown of Montgomery.

Hardy also copped to lying to police (and TSG) when she claimed that she had traveled to Florida with three of her four children. If cops thought she had to care for her young children, Hardy surmised, they would be less likely to keep her in custody.

Asked if she expected to travel to Florida and surrender on the five counts, Hardy replied, “Fuck them, they’ll have to come and get me.” She added, however, “It’s gonna be hard to find me.”

Quirky Cartoons of the Day

Last week I came across a blog called Natalie Dee, and I haven't stopped giggling since! Here are a few of my favorites.


Tons more here!

Quagmire Quotes of the Day

According to Buzzfeed, this awesome graphic displaying quotes from Family Guy's resident perv, Quagmire, is "surging on MySpace." That surprised me because frankly, I didn't even realize that MySpace was still a thing.

(Click to enlarge)

Giggity! Got a favorite Quagmire-ism that isn't on here?


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