Thursday, May 29, 2008

"Lost" Finale Tonight: Who's In The Coffin?


The season four finale of "Lost" is tonight at 9pm on ABC. One of the big questions that will be answered is the identity of the person in the coffin seen in last season's finale flash-forward. My initial hunch was Ben, since Jack wants desperately to return to the island, and Ben is the only person who can get him back there. Now, though, I'm leaning toward Claire. is sticking with Ben:

"Lost"'s Mysterious Cadaver
by Jeff Jensen

In last season's finale, a distraught Jack was the only attendee at a mystery funeral in L.A. Who will be revealed as the secret cadaver on this year's finale? We offer our tomb ratings (out of four coffins).

The former cubicle jockey lived in the L.A. area, so the locale fits. And his funeral wouldn't be a must for the Oceanic 6, whom he'd alienated with his zealotry. (When Jack asked Kate if she was attending, she shrugged, ''Why would I go to the funeral?'') But, wouldn't a newspaper announcement of the death of a newly discovered castaway attract the media?
Likelihood: 2 coffins

Jack said he was neither ''friend nor family'' to the deceased: Lost's biggest baddie fits. While it's unlikely Ben's passing would inspire Jack's suicidal thoughts, the ├╝ber-Other does represent McBeardy's best shot at his dream of getting back to the Island. Sayid — Ben's hitman for hire — would stay away lest the funeral might be a trap designed to kill him, too. Likelihood: 4 coffins

As a witness to Widmore's Island invasion, he'd be a good target for ''silencing.'' The traitor would also earn Jack's tears, just because Michael knew the way to the Island. And with his ''Kevin Johnson'' pseudonym, his death wouldn't be media bait. But he was from N.Y., not L.A., and surely his grandmother and Walt would have paid their respects.
Likelihood: 3 coffins

Now that Jack knows she was his half sister, news of her death would drive him to guilt-racked despair and renew his must-save-friends mission. Kate would steer clear because lurking near Aaron's real mom would invite suspicion. Oh, and since Claire is part of Jacob's ghost posse, she can transcend time, space, and all flaws in logic. Perfect, right?
Likelihood: 2.5 coffins

Vids Of The Day: Talking Stain

A nice submission from Steve Hatchett, former Navy SEAL and cut man for Larry Holmes. I think this spot premiered during last year's Super Bowl.


News Story Of The Day: Naked Maid Cleans Up

Wow, you really can't get good help anymore, can you? My question is, where does a naked maid hide stolen loot?

I'd pay money to see a video of Mr. Man explaining to his wife why all her juries are gone.

A nude maid is accused of really cleaning up at a Florida man's home. The Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office said a 50-year-old man hired the maid from the Internet on Friday to clean his Tampa home.

Authorities said the woman arrived at the home in a one-piece, light colored dress. She took off the dress and cleaned the house for $100-per-hour. Sheriff's office spokeswoman Debbie Carter said the man told deputies he left the maid alone in the bedroom to clean.

When the man's wife came home from vacation, she discovered $40,000 in jewelry missing from their bedroom.

Police are investigating.

Masturbation Terms Of The Day

In honor of National Masturbation Month. Compiled by comedian George Carlin.

I find it very telling about our society that there are five times as many terms for male masturbation than for female masturbation.


beat the beaver


clap your clit

cook cucumbers

grease the gash

hide the hotdog
hit the slit
hose your hole
juice your sluice
make waves

pet the poodle

slam the clam



beat the bishop

beat your little brother

beat the meat
burp the worm

butter your corn

choke the chicken

clean your rifle

consult Dr. Jerkoff

crank your shank

dink your slinky

feel in your pocket for your big hairy rocket

file your fun-rod

fist your mister

flex your sex

flog the dolphin

flog the log
flog your dog
grease your pipe

hack your mack

hump your hose

jerkin' the gherkin

milk the chicken
one-stick drum improvisation

pack your palm

paint your ceiling

play a flute solo on your meat whistle

play the male organ

please your pisser

point your social finger

polish your rocket

polish your sword

pound the pud

pound your flounder
prompt your porpoise
prune the fifth limb

pull the pope
pull your taffy
run your hand up the flagpole

shine your pole

shoot the tadpoles

slakin' the bacon

slam your hammer
slam your Spam

slap your wapper

spank the monkey

spank the salami

strike the pink match

stroke the dog
stroke your poker
talk with Rosy Palm and her five little sisters

tickle your pickle

thump your pumper

tweak your twinkie

unclog the pipes

varnish your pole

walk the dog

watch the eyelid movies

wax your dolphin
whip your dripper

whizzin' jizzum

wonk your conker

yang your wang

yank the yam

yank your crank

Vids Of The Day: The Landlord/Good Cop, Baby Cop

Two vids from FunnyOrDie: the now-classic, "The Landlord," and the follow-up, "Good Cop, Baby Cop."

Thanks, Deirdre, for the links.


May Is National Masturbation Month


Mark W. sent this at the beginning of the month, but I was afraid to post it sooner. I didn't want to be responsible for any of you hurting yourselves.

Ok. I confess. That's a lie. I've been too busy celebrating National Masturbation Month with someone I love. Me.

Anyhoo... you've got three days left. Use them wisely.

May is National Masturbation Month

Masturbation has had a colorful history. By far the most commonly practiced sexual behavior around the world, masturbation has gone from being ignored to being vilified, from a mental illness to a tool of women’s empowerment, celebrated with its very own month of the year.

Yet there remains a great deal of ignorance and misinformation regarding masturbation. Take a first step towards a happy masturbation month by clearing your mind of any myths about masturbation you may still be holding on to:

1) Masturbation is something you do when you're young, but then grow out of.

In fact, masturbation is a life long sexual activity. Surveys regularly show that anywhere from 70 to 95% of adult men and women masturbate. And while this may slow down as we age, many of us continue masturbating into our golden years. One survey of 800 adults over 60 found that that 46% of them masturbated, another found that 20% of seniors masturbated once a week or more.

2) Masturbation isn't "real sex"; it's only for people who can't find a partner.

Masturbation is real sex. When you masturbate you can get really aroused, which can result in very real orgasms. From a health perspective, masturbation is as “real” a sexual behavior as intercourse, oral sex, or kissing. And research shows that people in relationships masturbate, which contradicts the myth that masturbation is only for loners.

3) Masturbation is bad for your health.

This myth originated with an anti-masturbation tract that was written in 1712 as a way to sell a bogus “tonic” that was supposed to stop the disease of “self-pollution.” Through the years there have been many colorful attempts to pathologize masturbation. They say it will make you go blind, it will give you acne, and it will grow hair on your palms. All claims that have been refuted by science. Today virtually all physicians and scholars agree that masturbation is harmless.

4) Masturbation is something men have to do, but women don’t “need” to.

While most statistics show that men do masturbate more than women, there is no evidence to suggest this is due to some biological “need” on the part of men to masturbate. What is true is that social attitudes toward female masturbation are much more negative, and this likely impacts both women’s early masturbation and their willingness to report masturbating in a survey.

5) People in relationships don't masturbate.

This common myth often drives people in relationships to masturbate in private, hiding it from their partners. Survey research shows that people of all ages masturbate when they are in relationships. Kinsey’s survey found that almost 40% of men and 30% of women in relationships masturbated. A study of Playboy readers found that 72% of married men masturbated, and a study of Redbook readers found that 68% of married women masturbated.

6) Too much masturbation is bad for you.

With very rare exceptions, frequent masturbation is not harmful. If an individual is compulsively masturbating or is unable to engage in any sexual behavior other than masturbation (and would like to), it is possible that there may be reason to consult a mental health professional.

7) Only certain kinds of people masturbate.

Survey research debunks this myth that only certain people masturbate. Whether you are 19 or 99, religious and conservative or secular and liberal, whether you are a parent, grandparent, uncle or aunt, almost everyone has masturbated at some point in their lives, and most of us continue to do so.



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